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Over and over again, do you choose selfish and emotionally unavailable partners, try to earn love, look forward to every meeting and feel that you are happy only in the presence of your beloved, even if you swear and argue? You seem to be in a dependent relationship. What is it and how to get out of them? We figure it out together with Veronika Sidorova, a practicing psychologist, founder and ideologist of the Otvet.co project.
We are twin creatures. It is very natural for us to depend on each other, and attachment is unthinkable without some form of dependence. And in general, this fact does not cause alarm. But exactly until the moment when we find ourselves in a relationship in which we are unable to act independently, make decisions without the approval of a partner, override or approach the choice of some changes without the permission of the second.
Then this is a rather alarming symptom, which most often indicates that the relationship did not just become dependent, but originally it was.
In fact, the partner "gets" into us, plays the role of some important adult, most often a parent, with whom the relationship has not logically ended, separation has not been passed, and on whom our inner child still depends. Then the psyche, striving to complete this situation, because our psyche always seeks to complete the unfinished, chooses a partner for us who somehow resembles, even very distantly, our parent, and tries to play something similar that we experienced in childhood. And now we find ourselves in a relationship of dependence (not to be confused with codependency, since this is a completely different term). In a couple, a situation develops that has nothing to do with partners, since it is about the relationship of one of them with his parent, and not his lover.
The most effective, probably, method is psychotherapy. Often people come and talk about a problem with a partner, but as soon as we go down to the floor of parenting, we immediately understand that the reason is in them. In 95 percent of cases, through the relationship with the parent figure, this situation can be understood and resolved.
How to cope with the situation if there is no opportunity to go to a psychologist yet:
Addiction has power over you as long as you believe that happiness can only be achieved in relationships, and other people, things, or hobbies will not bring the desired joy. The truth is that a person is self-sufficient by himself. The main thing is to find something that will give you pleasure.
One of the most challenging yet powerful ways is to express yourself through work. The lucky ones who have found a work in life rarely fall into an addicted relationship, because they already have so much to be happy - work that brings satisfaction and joy. Are you not one of them? It's time to fix this. Think about what you really would like to do in life and start investing in it.
If there is no opportunity to find a job to your liking yet, choose a hobby that will suit you. The main thing is that it helps to develop your creative potential, so concerts and bars are not the best solution. You have to create, create something new, and not consume for the sake of pleasure. But it is important to do this not for the sake of the goal, but for the sake of the process, the state of the flow. The choice is great - from Latin American dances to clay modeling. Go for it!
Circle of friends
We are the sum of those people with whom we communicate. And if we are addicted, it may very well be that among our friends there are people with similar problems. This does not mean that you should urgently break off relations with them, but it would be nice to meet someone new who is passionate about self-development.
Get as much information as you can
Even if now you do not have the opportunity to address your problem to a psychologist, do not dismiss it, but try to find out better. Analyze your childhood, your relationship with your parents, and try to understand why you chose this behavior strategy. This knowledge will help you to perceive the situation more adequately and react more consciously.