Table of contents:
- Don't take it personally
- Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions
- Think back to when you had to ask for forgiveness
- Analyze the quarrel
- You don't have to forgive
Video: How To Learn To Forgive
Sometimes grievances are so deep that it is very difficult to let go of them, but it is also unbearable to live with them. Together with the Otvet.co community of professional psychologists, we decided to find out how to learn to forgive and what needs to be done to do this.
Don't take it personally
As one wise saying goes, "everyone around you is fighting a battle that you have no idea about." So, there is no reason to rely one hundred percent on the belief that a person, with his words or deed, wanted to deliberately hurt your feelings. It may very well be that you were offended in the bustle of your problems, without noticing and not appreciating the pain they caused. Of course, this does not diminish the resentment, but the realization that you may have nothing to do with it can greatly alleviate suffering and reduce feelings.
Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions
Are you in pain, scared, offended, are you angry and indignant? You have every right to do so. The right to your emotions, whatever they may be. Do not scold yourself for them, let alone suppress them, let them just be. Don't worry, the emotions will definitely pass, although it may take a while. Suppressing and not noticing them, you only aggravate and worsen your condition. Only after experiencing the full range of feelings can you come to their realization, acceptance, and ultimately to forgiveness.
Think back to when you had to ask for forgiveness
One of the most effective techniques is to remember the last time you yourself were in a situation like this and you needed to ask for forgiveness. It is advisable to reproduce this incident in all details, to return to what feelings you experienced and why you offended another. Such a technique will help to remember that we all sometimes offend each other, and this is generally the norm of life, because we are not ideal and sometimes act according to the impulse, without thinking about the feelings of others.
Analyze the quarrel
In the heat of a quarrel, we sometimes perceive even the closest and beloved person as an adversary, and every word he says is a mortal insult. But as soon as the passions subside, and with a clear mind we understand that the skirmish was not worth a damn and you are offended not at the words of your partner, but in general for other reasons that are not even related to them - it was a difficult day at work, it was raining outside the window, friend canceled the appointment. That is why it is so important, having cooled down, to analyze the conflict and consider the problem from different angles.
You don't have to forgive
“I would like to say about the other side - in general it is not necessary to forgive. This may not be a very popular opinion, but the idea that you must forgive often becomes a heavy burden. Therefore, first of all, before a person comes to forgiveness on his own or in therapy, and good quality therapy usually means forgiveness, although, by the way, not always, too, I would suggest getting really angry. Go through the stage where your abuser inside you is responsible for what he did to you and what he made you feel. This is an inevitable part that we must go through if we want to free ourselves from sorrowful feelings. And I do not know how appropriate this is, but I would like to emphasize once again that our life is diverse and there are situations in it that make our hair move, then forgive if you don’t want to,not necessary at all,”says Veronika Sidorova, a practicing psychologist, founder and ideologist of the Otvet.co project.
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